Internet Oracularities I've Answered
This is a collection of some of the Oracularities whose answers I've given from 1994-1995. It is by no means ALL the Oracularities I've answered, but just the ones I thought were worthy of publication, either because my answer (or, less commonly, the supplicant's question) was particularly funny.
You can also read questions [~39k] I've asked as a supplicant, or see a list of digested Oracularities which I've asked or answered.
The Internet Oracle has its own web site.
Note: any disparaging remarks against Joel Furr are purely for comedic value, and are in no way meant to imply that I bear any grudge against him.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Great Oracle, who knows all, sees all, and tells some, please help me
> out. I'm trying to decide on a dissertation topic. I know I'd like to
> do something with distributed shared memory, but I'm not exactly sure
> what. Do you have any suggestions?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} To: supplicant@oracle.cs.indiana.edu
} Subj: MAKE MONEY FAST!
}
} You should do your dissertation on distributed shared MONEY. For full
} details, send $5 (cash only) to the following people:
}
} The Usenet Oracle
} Indiana University
} Indianapolis, IN
}
} The Usenet Oracle
} Indiana University
} Indianapolis, IN
}
} The Usenet Oracle
} Indiana University
} Indianapolis, IN
}
} You owe the Oracle a less obvious pyramid scheme. And $5.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O marvelous Oracle whose infamous speeches echo throughout the communist
> world, please answer my humble and vociferous question:
>
> Why did Saturn change the look of their 1996 models? Was something wrong
> with the 1995 model that I bought?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The native Saturnites realized that their planet simply wasn't as popular
} as the other planets in our solar system. They decided that the solution
} was to change the look of their models and give them a fresh, new look.
} Starting in 1996, all Saturnian fashion models will sport new clothes and
} hairstyles, designed by popular clothing designer Ring A. Roundaplanet.
}
} While your 1995 model is perfectly functional, you may want to return it to
} Saturn for a makeover and a manicure.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Oracle!
>
> Please tell me where can I buy "extracto de quebracho" for my leather factory?
> Maybe e-mail, phone number...
>
> Best regards,
> [deleted]@rybadm.uniyar.ac.ru
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} O sublime Supplicant, supplier of supple leather goods:
}
} "Extracto de quebracho" (or "extract of woodchuck" as it is more commonly
} known in English) is particularly abundant in the hide of the common
} Rumanian woodchuck. It can be obtained as follows:
}
} - Skin woodchuck and place hide in vat of boiling water.
} - Let the hide stew in its own juices for one hour.
} - Remove hide and cure it by exposing it to the heat of intense flames.
} - Let hot water evaporate overnight.
} - The remaining coagulated mess will be pure, unadulterated "extracto de
} quebracho."
}
} You owe the Oracle a gallon of authentic "extracto de Joel."
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Mr. Oracle, sir, I have the honor to grovel with great respect at
> your feet which are very shapely and well-formed indeed.
>
> Yesterday I went down to see what they were doing at one of the places
> where I used to work. I walked into the computer room and the 300 mb
> disks were gone, the ones I used to sit on top of and eat my lunch on.
>
> I asked the new system manager where the 300 Mb disks were, and he pointed
> at a little shoe-box sized rack. There were a couple things inside maybe
> matchbox size. I said "You mean those?" and he said "Uh huh."
>
> And my question, Mr. Oracle, sir, is how in the heck do they get a 300
> Mb disk inside that little thingy? Do they wash it in hot water, or what?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The shoebox-and-matchbox unit you saw was a new hard drive made by a joint
} venture between Nike and Philip Morris. Light one up (just be careful not
} to set off the halon fire extinguishers) and you'll find it can store up to
} 300 mg of tar. Or strap it to your feet and you can transport your data
} just about anywhere.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hand-rolled Cuban modem.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Overwhelmed by your divine nature and your uncanny knowledge, I beg you
> to enlighten my being by answering the following question:
>
> Great Oracle, what is the better way to fix the World?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dear World Customer,
}
} As part of our ongoing support and maintenance of the World, we are
} providing you with the latest hardware and software upgrade. Please follow
} the enclosed directions to ensure a smooth upgrade from World 3.10 to World
} 3.11.
}
} Note that this release fixes the following bugs:
}
} - Spontaneous human combustion
} - Permanent unavailability of parking spaces in Manhattan
} - Devastating earthquakes in third-world countries
} - People being elected to public office who can't even spell "potato"
} - Inability to go even one day without hearing about O.J.
} - Recurring questions about woodchucks
}
} The next release will be called World 95 (to be released in 2095), and
} will contain the following enhancements:
}
} - Silent notification of planned coup d'etats and uprisings
} - Automatic barcode stamp on newborn infants
} - Body hair that stays the same length after it's cut
} - Ability to be an Oracle for a day
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Orrie,
>
> Where do we REALLY go when we die?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
That depends who you are:
} - Cows go to McDonald's.
} - Net newbies go to AOHell.
} - DOS users become a lost cluster.
} - Prodigy users finally get their last online software update.
} - Bill Gates goes to Hell and announces, "I'm back!"
} - Woodchucks (and supplicants who ask about them) get vaporized.
} - O.J. Simpson goes to Purgatory (he didn't make the cut).
} - Everyone else becomes a mail carrier for the U.S. Postal Service.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle, great and wise, loving and forgiving, charitable and wondrous
> please tell me this, will anyone remember me when I'm gone?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Let's see...
}
} *ZOT!*
}
} Hey, does anybody remember that supplicant who I just zotted?
}
} [Hundreds of clamoring voices yell out, expressing indignancy, sadness, and
} outrage at the recent untimely demise of the Supplicant.]
}
} Does that answer your question? Supplicant? Hello? [Sifting through ashes]
} Helloooooooo? Anybody there?
}
} You owe the Oracle an anti-ZOT.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Most wise Oracle who never has to pay library fines:
>
> What is your most favorite piece of literature?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Lemurs But Which I Thought I'd
} Cram Down Your Throat Anyway," by J.K. Furr.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great and wise Oracle, I'm just learning to
> program in C, and by accident I had this program:
>
> #include <stdlib.h>
>
> main (int argc, char *argv[])
> {
> exit; /* I forgot to put the (0) after exit */
> }
>
> But it still compiled and ran just fine, even
> though it had that error in it. Why is this?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You were using SmartC 3.2, which reads comments (and minds, if you use the
} -m switch) and deduces what the programmer was really trying to do. When it
} read your comment "/* I forgot to put the (0) after exit */" it realized
} what the problem was and corrected it for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a compiler that implements the dwim(nwis) function.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle dearest and cutest, whose kisses are sweeter than wine, whose eyes
> are deeper than the winedark sea, and whose pockets are ever full of grapes,
>
> How big is your queue, anyway?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Johnny Carson: "The Usenet Oracle's queue is SO big..."
}
} [Johnny looks at Ed expectantly and smiles. Ed guffaws.]
}
} Johnny: "It's SO big, that a million monkeys at a million terminals
} emailing me ask-me's would never come close to emptying it..."
}
} [Audience groans.]
}
} Johnny: "It's SO big, it makes John Holmes look impotent... It's SO big,
} Madonna just said 'no'..."
}
} [Audience laughs uproariously.]
}
} Johnny [to camera]: "You owe the Oracle a TCP/IP packet that isn't carrying
} any data related to sex."
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great and wise Oracle,chick magnet and reader of the stars,all-knowing expert
> on all things belonging to this world or any other,please answer me this:
>
> Should Fluffy Connors be institutionalized as a service to all womankind?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Institutionalization would be too good for her. Remember in "The
} Terminator" when Arnold Schwarzenegger went around looking for Sarah
} Connors so he could kill her? Well, that was >the< Sarah Connors (a/k/a
} "Knuckles," "Thrasher," "Stovepipe," and occasionally "Fluffy"), Public
} Enemy #1, America's Most Wanted.
}
} You owe the Oracle a black farmer wearing a cool pair of sunglasses, ja?
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Mighty Oracle of the Net! Tell me how come I always get to do the hard
> jobs at home?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, this isn't exactly Fantasy Island, but what the heck... [The Oracle
} makes a few gestures and the Supplicant disappears in a dull flash. A
} second later the Supplicant reappears on Mt. Olympus, holding a mop in one
} hand and a toilet scrubber in the other.]
}
} Welcome to Mt. Olympus! As you can see, my palacial estate contains a
} hundred rooms. And every room has its own private bathroom. Of course,
} every bathroom has--you guessed it!--a toilet. Some even have two! And
} sometimes even that's not enough, what with all the beer-n-burritos parties
} the Priests have been throwing lately.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hundred clean toilets before noon.
}
} (Hey, isn't this much more exciting than doing the hard jobs at >home?<)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most powerful, most mighty, whose merest thought decimates your
> enemies like so much chaff in the winds of fate, this crawling
> supplicant beseeches you to answer the pitiful question of a mere
> mortal, who lives in utter darkness apart from the brilliant light of
> your omniscience:
>
> Why do they hydrogenate vegetable oil?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The answer you seek is hidden within the word itself. Let's break it down
} into its most basic components:
}
} HYDRO: from the Latin, meaning "water"
} GEN: from the Latin, meaning "people"
} ATE: from the English, meaning "consumed for nutritive purposes"
}
} Thus, "hydrogenate" means "adding water to people for nutritive purposes."
}
} You owe the Oracle a jar of dehydrogenated Soylent Green.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle, oo you are so big and just, well, super....
>
> I am largely net.isolated and so I haven't encountered him myself but I was
> hoping you could explain this obsession lots of people seem to have with
> Joel Furr. The impression I get is that he's a moronic control freak who
> can't cope with people doing anything unless they do it his way - he also
> seems to want to be the centre of attention all the time. I've found in my
> years of net.experience (and life experience for that matter) that ignoring
> these people causes them to shrivel up and die, or else mutate into
> something resembling human...... so what gives? Why does everyone seem so
> obsessed?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Old King Joel was a merry old soul,
} A merry old soul was he.
} He sent many questions 'bout lemurs,
} Like, "Do they frink frequently?"
}
} At first he was amusing and cute,
} Amusing and cute was he.
} But soon we got annoyed and tired
} Of reading his repartee.
}
} And when Joel wrote that annoying FAQ,
} That annoying FAQ wrote he,
} Orrie decided the time had come
} To *ZOT* him permanently.
}
} Ah, but then Joel posted on Usenet,
} posted on Usenet did he,
} He posted mad notes on the newsgroup
} rec.humor.oracle.d.
}
} He caused massive flames from the readers,
} Flames from the readers caused he.
} So Orrie had no need to *ZOT* him--
} All you guys did it for me!
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> NEWBIE!!! USENET NEWBIE!!! PLEASE DON"T KILL ME!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} *ZOT!*
}
} Whoops, sorry!
}
} --Oracular Incarnation Newbie
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh wise and magnificent oracle, who knows more about advertising than
> Bill Gates' entire marketing department, please grant this humble
> supplicant an answer to this insignificant query:
>
> Are you going to market stuffed toy versions of the Horrible Queue
> Drainer (tm) AKA Spiny Norman? After all, he is a big hedgehog, what
> could be more adorable? Wait, I know... Plush Priests! That ought to go
> over great with the kiddies!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You're pretty close. What with all the newbies flooding my question queue
} with mindless questions and then not following through with the payments
} they owe me in exchange for my advice, the Oracular coffers are at an
} all-time low. Several of my more astute Priests have realized that the
} fewer payments the Oracle gets, the fewer payments >they< get, so they've
} come up with the following new fall line of Oracular products:
}
} - Nintendo(tm) OracleBoy(tm): all the advice and wisdom of the Usenet
} Oracle in a convenient hand-held unit! Connect via infrared to your
} friends' OracleBoys to answer their questions, or play standalone and
} answer your own questions!
}
} - Priest Pogs(tm)! The craze that's sweeping the nation has swept through
} Mt. Olympus and come to you in the form of pogs of your favorite Oracular
} Priests. Collect 'em all! Trade 'em with your friends!
}
} - Junior Oracle *ZOT* Gun: Be the first Oracle-in-training on your block to
} own this official reproduction *ZOT* gun. Features an authentic digitized
} *ZOT* sound and screaming supplicant. [Not available in California and New
} York.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Lisa" Barbie doll.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Omniscient Oracle...
>
> What will the effects of the Time Warner-Turner merger be?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Let's take a look at some upcoming events:
}
} - March 12, 1996: The Warner Brothers cartoon characters, separated since
} Turner purchased many of the classics, reunite with a vengeance, taking
} over upper management and key executive positions at the new T-W-T
} megacorp. Nepotism runs rampant as old-time cartoon characters use their
} influence to get jobs for their lesser-known cartoon friends and relatives.
}
} - May 8th, 1996: T-W-T's announces that it plans to purchase the Disney
} company; the Justice Department launches an investigation into T-W-T's
} potential monopoly on cartoon characters. In a plea-bargain agreement,
} T-W-T agrees not to purchase Disney if charges are dropped against them.
}
} - June 17th, 1996: T-W-T begins production of the most expensive
} full-length animated movie in history, code-named "Warners," scheduled to
} be released in early 1997.
}
} - February 6th, 1997: T-W-T announces delays in the production of the much
} anticipated movie, now renamed "Warners 97."
}
} - August 22nd, 1997: Way over budget and schedule, "Warners 97" is finally
} released amid much fanfare and hoopla. Movie projectionists across the
} country report problems fitting the reels onto existing projectors. Riots
} break out in theaters as shows are canceled.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "FantasiAIX."
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle, who keeps the bluebird of happiness in a cage by the bed for a
> possible midnight snack,
>
> Which is worse, a person who argues as if he really doesn't care, or a
> person who argues with only personal assaults and rhetoric?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Whatever, stupid.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything; the Oracle owes you an apology for
} taking a cheap shot.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O great and many-knowing Oracle, not the least Lisa, it is begged by this
> most abject of supplicating ape-decendants for thou to impart upon its
> lowly head a tinyest fraction of thy inestimable wisdom:
>
> Wherefore, in Bill Shaxpere's play /Romeo and Juliet/, does that dame
> ask,
>
> "Oh Romeo, Romeo, why are you, Romeo?"
>
> advaSACRIFICINGnce, ignorant (in comparison even with others of this
> lowly race - 'ignorant' would be an anti-superlative in comparison with
> thyself) mortal.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Let's take a look at the original text (I have originals of all of
} Shakespeare's plays, of course). [Walks over to wall lined with
} leather-bound volumes, runs fingers along the spines, and stops at an
} ancient tome with yellowed pages] ...Okay, this should tell us for sure.
} [Opens book and gingerly turns pages.] Well, sloppy handwriting and
} misspellings notwithstanding, here's what Bill wrote originally:
}
} Juliet: "O Homeo! Homeo! Wherefore Bart--DOOH!--Homeo!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to remove chocolate donut glaze from Lady
} Macbeth's hands.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Great mysteriously omnipotent, divine, immortal, benevolent, supreme, just,
> sagely, galvanised and most pixellated Oracle,
> Please answer me this:
>
> I haven't fallen down in nine years, what will happen when I next fall down?
> Is there something wrong with me?
>
> [sig deleted]
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Nine years, huh? Not bad. The next time it happens, though, you'll be far
} away from press photographers who used to capture your every bumbling move.
} But don't worry, there's nothing wrong with you, President Ford.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How do I chat with others who are on line around the world?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The procedure is quite simple. Go to your nearest electronics retailer and
} look for the section where they sell electronic devices for audio
} communication via phone lines. A decent one should cost between $30 and
} $50, although you can get acceptable ones for as low as $10. Bring it home
} and plug it in to the phone jack in your wall. With one hand, remove the
} speaker/microphone handset combo. With the other hand, push the buttons on
} the alphanumeric keypad which correspond to the number assigned by the
} phone company to the friend with which you want to chat. Orient the handset
} so the speaker is in front of your ear and the microphone is in front of
} your mouth. You will hear a few brief rings, after which your friend will
} pick up the speaker/microphone handset combo on their end. Begin talking.
} Voila! Chatting is easy!
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Orrie, bubbie, nu?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} *ZOT!*
}
} Whoops, I'm >so< sorry, Mr. Sinatra, it was a complete mistake, I assure
} you. For a minute there I thought maybe you were my aunt Zelda...uh, no,
} I'm not implying that you remind me of a woman, Mr. Sinatra, quite the
} contrary...of course I love my Aunt Zelda, Mr. Sinatra, it's just
} that...well, she can be a bit overbearing...but anyway, I swear this will
} never happen again. Please accept my apologies. And if there's anything
} that Lisa and I can do for you don't hesitate to ask. Anything at all. Oh,
} by the way, did I mention that I have all your albums?
}
} I owe you a dozen kisses on your pinky ring and a week of grovels.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Whise and Whonderful Ohracle, whose Prhesence shines all dhay but
> the bhatteries never die (lasting waaaaay more than just up to 9 times
> as long as ordinary batteries) please ahnswer this phoor
> supplichant's meagre qhuestion:
>
> What's the best thing about growing up?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You stay above ground.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why has my hard disk packed up just when I needed to use it?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Top Ten Reasons Why Hard Drives Are Like Women:
}
} 10. They remember things we've forgotten long ago.
} 9. They need their heads cleaned once in a while.
} 8. They're delicate and dainty.
} 7. The thinner ones are preferable.
} 6. They go haywire at inconvenient moments.
} 5. Without them we'd be back in the dark ages.
} 4. No matter how much you have, you always want more.
} 3. They work flawlessly--until you try adding another one to your system.
} 2. You'll do anything you can to keep them performing.
} 1. Just when they're packed up, you realize you really need them.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O telll mee o grate orakl whatt Willl eye gett onn me next sppeling test?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} EYE THINK YEWL GET AN A PLUSS, DEWD!
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Mightiest of all the Yahoos now
> Filled with answers, like WoW!
> Who speeds about the Cyberside
> Soaking up data far and wide:
>
> And since to answer us you yearn. . .
>
> Have you noticed that the further you move away from a person, the
> smaller that person looks. And, if you look up at an airplane in the
> sky, you can't even see the people inside -- that they are smaller than
> the smallest dot, and that there are billions of these dots (or bits)
> all over the world. Please tell me, Oracle, does it bother you at all
> to feel no greater than the smallest electronic particle?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No problem. Lisa constantly reassures me that my size doesn't matter.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh wisest Oracle,
>
> I'm sure that you, being the highest and most almighty Gal that ever existed,
> would be able to answer a question that has always been a mystery to me:
>
> Why are men obsessed with farts - theirs and everybody else's - YUKKO!
>
> Seagull
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Just as guys are obsessed with the Internet and use it to discuss other
} "guy" things, they are also obsessed with farts. It is a little-known fact
} that guys also use farts to communicate "guy" things. Here is a handy chart
} to help you decode what guys are saying to each other:
}
} FART SOUND MEANING
} --------------- ---------------------------------------------------
} PHRPHRPHR!!! "I shouldn't have had that burrito for lunch!"
} TCPIPPPHHTT? "What's our university's domain name?"
} BRRPHHTTT!! "Man, check out the buns on that one!"
} KA-FRRPAAT? "Can you smell this?"
} KCHBBFFRT! "Shhh! A female is present. Communicate via farts."
} BREWWRRTTT! "Pass me a beer."
} MSTRDFFFPBT? "Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?"
} EMCSQRD!! "I failed my physics final."
} PIKRDBORG? "What time is Star Trek on?"
} GAPRHGHHT!!! "Pull my finger...Doooh! Too late!"
} PTRREFFFTTT? "Are C arrays passed by value or by reference?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a fart-to-English translator.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Look, Manuel, what is that?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Director: "CUT! Look, pal, I haven't got all day, and this film ain't
} cheap, either." [To The Usenet Oracle]: "Orrie, this guy can't act his way
} out of a paper bag! I shouldn't have to put up with this!"
}
} Oracle: "I'm sorry, Mr. Spielberg, but after all, it is his fantasy."
}
} Director [grumbling]: "Okay, fine, let's get it over with." [To Supplicant]
} "Now, remember, it's easy: just look up in the sky, point, and say, 'The
} plane, Boss, the plane!'"
}
} You owe the Oracle a tattoo.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O wonderous Oracle, knower of all things. Mightier than a loaf of Mighty White
> bread. More cheesy than the cheesiest of Pizza toppings, writer of the
> Intergalactic Karma Sutra.
>
> I am a human cannonball, and my girlfriend is a Trapeze artist. We have been
> asked to do a 'Special' Adult show, and the idea is that my girlfriend is
> swinging on the trapeze naked, and I (also naked) am fired out of my cannon,
> The idea is we come together in mid-air and and land in a passionate embrace on
> the safety net. As such I have 2 questions if I may be so bold.
>
> Will it work, and what foreplay would you recommend bearing in mind the
> timescales for the manouevre.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Foreplay? You won't even have time for ONEplay.
}
} You owe the Oracle a body cast and the name of a good orthpaedic surgeon.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Lesson XXIV, Creative Writing Course
>
> Today's bonus word is "cruise-control". Please use it at least once in
> completing the following paragraph:
>
> "Kiss me you fool," Courtney cried as her nimble fingers fastened the
> padlocks with a skill borne of a thousand such trials. Outside a
> slight wind rustled the leaves with a sighing sound reminiscent of the
> babbling brook where they once met. All at once....
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "CUT!" yelled the director. "Dammit, Tom, you're not supposed to kiss her
} yet! Sheesh, all you guys think you're such great lovers. Don't go wild,
} okay? Remember, Cruise: control!"
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O great Oracle, whose fame and majesty have spread even among those who
> live in the village of small huts, do tell a humble supplicant what are
> those things upon which we base our entire world, upon which are founded
> the most sacred institutions of this modern society, upon which my meagre
> livelihood depends. What are the most basic of the logic functions?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} AND and OR are the most basic of the logic functions. But there are also
} some lesser-known logic functions:
}
} FUNCTION DESCRIPTION EXAMPLE
} -------- ---------------- --------------------------------------
} NOT negation NOT true is false
} XOR exclusive OR (a OR b), but NOT (a AND b)
} IFIF if and only if A is true if and only if B is true
} MAY maybe maybe A, maybe B
} ALL always always A, never B
} SOM sometimes sometimes A, sometimes B
} NVR never A is never true
} SAY only if I say so A is true only if I say so
} ALT alternate days A is true only on alternate Thursdays
} NO no you're wrong
} ZOT you're a loser *ZOT!*
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> why are all teenage girls obsessed with dolphins?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Because dolphins, being the second most intelligent mammals, are smarter
} than teenage boys.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dictionary with the word "gullible" removed.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Tellme that LT lves me.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, it's not exactly true, but I can arrange it if you'd like. Anyway,
} I'm no a witch doctor, but I did learn a few spells back in Oracle College.
} I think I still have my textbook around here somewhere... Ah, yes. [Opens
} big black book titled "Oracular Spells 101."] Now let's see... [Thumbs
} through index.]
}
} Lab Experiments
} disappearing . . . . . . . . . . . . p. 4988
} rabbit, pulling out of a hat . . . . .p. 4903
} thin air, creating items from . . . . p. 4931
}
} Lemurs
} creating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 2394
} destroying . . . . . . . . . . . . . .p. 2395
} See also:
} Joel Furr, destroying . . . . . . . p. 3396
} woodchucks, *ZOT*ing . . . . . . . .p. 3215
}
} Lisa
} care and feeding of . . . . . . . . . p. 5744
} pleasing eternally . . . . . . . . . .p. 5703
} winning heart of . . . . . . . . . . .p. 6731
}
} Loaves and fishes
} making many from one . . . . . . . . p. 1083
}
} Lying
} making people believe you . . . . . . p. 8793
} seeing through others . . . . . . . . p. 9339
}
} Hmm, nothing about ensuring that someone "lves" you. Well, here's the
} closest spell I could find. LT is a nice person so I don't see why you'd
} want to do such a thing, but that's none of my business. Here goes...Ooo,
} eee, ooo-ah-ah, ting, tang, walla-walla bing-bang... meka-leka hi, meka
} ha-nee ho...meka-leka hi, meka chani cho... hocus pokus, presto change-o,
} ali-kazam, alley-oop, shazam, wham, bam, thank you, ma'am... It is done!
}
} Very shortly you will find that LT wants to "leave" you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spell checker.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
> Am I good looking? (.gif included as MIME attachment).
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
} [Answer given as mime.]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why was I born? Where was I from?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Yo' mama."
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, most wise Oracle! I gladly lick your boots clean! I lick your
> bathroom floor clean! I lick your hen house clean! I, your humble
> supplicant, would like your assistance in the making of a decision.....
>
> I have a crush on this girl I work with. She's really nice, really
> sweet, has a great sense of humor, and is terrifically beautiful.
> Somethimes I think she's flirting with me, sometimes I think she's just
> friendly. I would like her to know how I feel. I need to get that off
> my chest. What do I say? How do I let her know I'm "interested" without
> making an ass of myself? Please answer me.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} /* get_date.c */
}
} #include <stdio.h>
}
} #ifdef __OBJECT_ORIENTED__
} /* Necessary only if she's materialistic */
} #include <flowers.h>
} #include <chocolate.h>
} #endif
}
} /* How well you listen: */
} #define YOUR_ATTENTIVENESS_FACTOR
}
} main()
} {
} char* her_name = "Jane"; /* Default; change as necessary */
} char response[YOUR_ATTENTIVENESS_FACTOR];
}
} printf("Hey, %s. What are you doing for lunch today?\n",
} her_name
} );
} strupr(gets(response));
} if (strstr(response, "busy") == NULL) {
} puts("Great! See you at noon.\n");
} } else {
} puts("How about tomorrow then?\n");
} /* ... */
} /* (Left as an exercise to the reader.) */
} }
} }
}
} /* You owe the Oracle a double date and a rootbeer float. */
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh amusing charming enchanting magical attractive enticing exicting
> sparkling impartial even-headed righteous candid objective specail
> distingushed unique unusual weird bizrre odd extraordinary inexpelciable
> amazing incredible astounding oracle please tell me what you think of my
> magazine
>
> - The one and only Dudette
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------
> Dudette's Amusing Magazine (DAM)
> June 1995
>
> Disclaimer
> This magazine is non-profit. This magazine is not intending to violate any
> copyrights legal or otherwise and if it is please tell me! etc. etc.
> I do not accept responsiblity for any harm mental, physical or otherwise
> this magazine directly or indirectly causes.
> *** READ AT YOUR OWN RISK ***
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------
> Letter from the Editor
>
> Hi! and welcome to the very first issue of Dudette's Amusing Magazine.
> I have tried VERY hard to make sure that the spelling is right but I
> just can't spel (<-- See ?!?).
> All ideas comments criticisms etc. can be e-mailed to: [email deleted]
> Or posted to any BBS in Bunbury, Western Australia.
> For all those people that are out there wondering just who the heck is
> Dudette (all three of you) here's a bit of info:
> I live in Bunbury, Western Austalia but I am NOT Australian.
> I come from New Zealand and therefore if you think some of this is not funny
> it's because I have spent the last 6 and a half years surrounded by Aussies.
> :-)
> My age is not known (ie: to the general public, I know how old I am) and
> please do not ask about it. All messages metioning my age will be ignored!!
> It has sometime to do with the first IBM PC and that's all I'm saying
> (except I am not 8088 or 286 years old).
> Enjoy the magazine and drop me a line if you like it (or not).
> - Dudette [email deleted]
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> The X-Files
>
> Quotes (Sources indicated where known)
>
> "This is illegal."-Scully
> "So's assaulting a minor, but I notice that didn't stop you."-Mulder
> - "Missing" by Stephanie Moffet
>
> Cultin: So Mulder, what do you think? Does this look like the work of little
> green men?
> Mulder: Grey.
> Cultin: Excuse me?
> Mulder: Grey. You said green men. The reticulant skin tone is actually grey.
> They're notorious for there extraction of terrestrial human livers.
> Due to iron depletion in the Reticulan galaxy.
> Cultin: You can't be serious?
> Mulder: Do you have any idea what liver and onions go for in Reticula?
>
> Mulder: Sometimes the need to mess with their heads, outweighs the millstone
> of humiliation.
>
> Mulder: Do you realize how hard it is to fake your own death? Only one
> person has pulled it off, Elvis.
>
> Byers: Vladamir Cherernofski, the leader of the Russian Social Democrats,
> is being put into power by the most heinous and evil force of the
> twentieth century.
> Mulder: Barney?
> (^-- For members of the Jihad.)
>
> All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From The X-Files:
>
> The Truth Is Out There.
> Deny Everything
> Paranoia is O.K. if they're really out to get you
> Don't believe everything you see on a digital display, especially if it
> says "KILL 'EM ALL"
> Don't mess with Mother Nature or She'll mess with you.
> Be punctual. "We lost 9 minutes" just wont cut it with your boss.
> Don't kill your friends...you never know when they'll be back.
> Never go to a remote area without a full biohazard quarantine unit.
> Never stick anything metal up your nose.
> Be nice to your computer...it might not be as stupid as you think.
> Godzilla movies make good bedtime viewing
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Dudette's Top 5 Games (for June!): Not Pirated List
> 1) Civilization
> 2) Doom
> 3) SimCity 2000
> 4) Fallthru
> 5) Moraff's Morejong
>
> (Note: I spend all my time writing this magazine and therefore don't have
> enough time to play games.)
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Dudette's List of Quotable Quotes
> (Sources indicated where known)
>
> I am NOT Schizophrenic - and neither am I.
> OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am!
> A day without sunshine is like night!
> Treat each day as your last, one day you'll be right!
> Of all the things that I've lost, I miss my mind the most!
> - The Almighty (a supposedly higher being that haunts BBSes)
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Dudette's Top 5 Books
> 1) The Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
> 2) The Resturant at the End of the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
> 3) Life, The Universe and Everything (Douglas Adams)
> 4) So Long, And Thanks For All the Fish (Douglas Adams)
> 5) Mostly Harmless (Douglas Adams)
>
> ** COMPETION **
> The first person to email me with the name of my favourite author (really,
> really hard) will get the thrill of seeing their name in print!
> (Expiry date June 30th 1995)
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Funny Taglines (VERY heavily edited)
>
> Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
> BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding!
> C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
> Old is needing a fire permit for your birthday cake.
> Warning: drinking water may kill your thirst!
> Frog philosophy: Time's fun when you're having flies!
> Not a real tagline, but an incredible soy substitute.
> Live long and suffer - ancient Vulcan curse.
> "Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI?
> Klingon Prime Directive: If it moves, shoot it.
> Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
> If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
> 9 out of 10 rotweilers prefer Jehovah's Witnesses.
> If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
> I hit the CRTL key but I'm still not in control!
> Of course I'm sane. The voices said so.
> I don't see you, so don't pretend to be there.
> Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
> You're gonna hurt all three of my feelings!
> You are in a maze of twisty little BBS menus, all alike...
> What is a sysop and why would I want to Yell at it?
> I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} K00l magazine, D00dette! It reminds me of my rad, way k00l magazine. Check
} it out!
}
} ========================= cut here =========================
}
} The Oracle's Advice for Supplicants and Tazmanians (TOAST)
} June 1995
}
} Disclaimer: If you don't like it, why are you reading it?
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------
}
} LETTERS FROM THE EDITOR
}
} Dear Subscriber:
}
} Have you read my FAQ and found that you still have questions? Are you
} unable to get answers from rec.humor.oracle.d? Do my Oracular Priests
} ignore your cries for help? Always wondered what kinds of questions will
} get you ZOTted? Curious to know what my favorite books are? Fret no more,
} Supplicant! This newsletter is devoted to the finer points of Oracular
} etiquette.
}
} Sincerely,
} The Usenet Oracle
} oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} P.S. I live on Mt. Olympus but I don't own an Olympus camera and I have
} never competed in the Olympics.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------
}
} THE *ZOT* FILES
}
} Here are some questions I have been asked which have gotten the supplicants
} ZOTted. You have been warned!
}
} 1. "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
} 2. "How much wood could Chuck Berry chuck if Chuck Berry could chuck wood?"
} 3. "How much wood could Chuck Woolery chuck if Chuck Woolery could chuck
} wood?"
} 4. "How much organic arboreal matter could a groundhog hurl if a groundhog
} could hurl organic arboreal matter?"
} 5. "How many songs could Chaka Khan sing if Chaka Kahn could sing songs?"
} 6. "How many oysters could a fisherman shuck if a fisherman could shuck
} oysters?"
} 7. "How frinquently could a lemur frink if a lemur could frink
} frinquently?"
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------
}
} ALL I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM SUPPLICANTS:
}
} - Always grovel before asking a question.
} - Good spelling and grammar increase your credibility.
} - Don't ramble; brevity is desirable.
} - Avoid woodchucks.
} - Always return favors with an offering.
} - When in doubt, *ZOT!*
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------
}
} THE USENET ORACLE'S TOP 5 GAMES (FOR JUNE):
}
} 1. Wheel of Fortune (because I know all the answers)
} 2. Jeopardy (because I know all the answers)
} 3. Trivial Pursuit (because I know all the answers)
} 4. Name That Tune (because I know all the answers)
} 5. Strip Poker (because I play with Lisa)
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------
}
} THE USENET ORACLE'S LIST OF QUOTABLE QUOTES:
}
} "I never met a woodchuck I didn't *ZOT*"
} -- Roy "Oracle" Rogers
}
} "A grovel a day keeps the ZOTter away."
} -- Ben "Oracle" Franklin
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------
}
} THE USENET ORACLE'S TOP 5 BOOKS:
}
} 1. "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Being a Demi-God But Were
} Afraid to Ask"
} 2. "The Joy of Oracularities"
} 3. "Lisa Chatterly's Lover"
} 4. "Kinzlerbury Tales"
} 5. "The Great ZOTsby"
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------
}
} THE USENET ORACLE'S FUNNY TAGLINES (SUITABLE FOR LAPEL BUTTONS, BUMPER
} STICKERS, AND T-SHIRTS):
}
} "Kiss me, I'm omniscient!"
} "Honk if you're a High Priest"
} "Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-ZOT-THIS"
} "I'm with mortal" [with arrow pointing to person on your left]
} "Oracles do it without groveling."
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise,
> if the next step after C is C++,
> what is the next step after Ada?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dada.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Man, Ray.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> All-knowing, all-powerful, all-telling Oracle, tell me how
> serving food on an airliner causes turbulence?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Haven't you ever eaten airline food? It causes all sorts of turbulence in
} your digestive system.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Oracle of Ages,
>
> Are Oracles born or hatched?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oracles are >laid< (thanks to Lisa--if you know what I mean).
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Eternal Oracle, master of past, present and future,
>
> Do dinosuars go through puberty?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Of course not, they're extinct. Right now they're going through
} fossilization.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Monty Hall, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and a vat of jello.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> help
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Jesus.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> If the Green Lantern and Batman got into a fight, who would win?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Marvel Comics.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I would like to get the internet surfing program, "Mosaic", but am having
> trouble. I am tried to do ftp and have a valid ftp server address
> (ftp.ncsa.uiuc.edu). When I ask pipeline to go out to that server, I get a
> message that the command failed (after spending 20 sec) fetching data in a
> pipeline window. I have also tried to telnet into it and used "anonymous" and
> my email address (brooksd@pipeline.com) as my password but cannot telnet into
> the system. What gives?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Philanthropic old ladies, generous tourists, and sympathetic passers-by.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How many computers and networks make up the Internet?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hmmm, let me count the computers first: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11,
} 12, 13, 14, 16....Wait, this might take a while; I'll get back to you. Stay
} in front of your computer--and don't turn it off or else I'll lose count
} and have to start again!
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Great Oracle, I was present in the Big Bang (as were we all), but I
> don't seem to remember anything between then and the time I was born
> a (relatively) few years ago. Did I miss anything?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Just all of creation. But don't worry, if you missed anything there will be
} a second showing in a few trillion years.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Howdy doody!
>
> I like new newsgroups but I don't want to have to read those pesky FAQs.
> Can you tell me which newsgroup I haven't read that has the shortest FAQ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} alt.psychic.mindreading
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Can you send me any C-programs ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sure. This one was compiled under OSM/VMI v3.12 for the iVZ-80608 processor
} (running under T-6011 emulation). For exact details on what's going on,
} break out your DSM-2 disassembler:
}
} 22 43 22 20 3E 74 68 69 73 3C 2C 20 42 75 74 74
} 2D 48 65 61 64 21
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Just what is the sound of one hand clapping?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Can you dance the rhumba inside a rhombus?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes. And I can square dance inside a square. And it takes two to tango
} inside a triangle. But I draw the line at circle-jerking inside a circle.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Where is that dang ABORT button?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Directly opposite the RIGHT TO LIFE button.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Madonna, Charo, and a quart of axle grease.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Oracle, please answer a question from your
> Humble supplicant:
>
> If Marilyn vos Savant is so smart, how
> come she doesn't post to rec.org.mensa?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Because she's an idiot, savant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a soda, jerk.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Supplicant,
}
} I'm always glad to see people like you using their psychic abilities to
} keep network traffic down to a minimum. The Internet--nay, the entire
} telecommunicating community--needs more responsible users like you. After
} all, why waste time and bandwidth typing what can be just as easily be
} transmitted via brainwaves?
}
} Anyway, in response to your question: approximately 4 to 8 inches,
} depending mainly on blood hormone levels and, to a slight extent, ancestry.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} error: null pointer assignment
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What will your answer be to the next question I ask?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You'll find out when you ask it.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> internet bbs
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Usenet newsgroups.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} <
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Where fo I find a list of mailing lists?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Look on the list of lists of mailing lists.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Fnord Oh great and mighty oracle, leader of the conspiracy behind the Fnord
> Fnord conspiracy behind the conspiracy, the only dude that REALLY knows Fnord
> Fnord whats going on in the world..... Fnord
> Fnord Fnord
> Fnord Is it true that the government inserts subliminal messages in Fnord
> Fnord printed media? Surely thats all a big load of trip.... Fnord
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ford Fordear Fordricant, Ford
} Ford Ford
} Ford It's not the government that's inserting subliminal messages Ford
} Ford in printed media. It's a Detroit auto manufacturing giant Ford
} Ford who is attempting to influence the purchasing decisions of Ford
} Ford millions of Americans. Unfortunately for them, an early Ford
} Ford version of a media-altering virus they released contains a Ford
} Ford bug which causes it to insert an extra "n" into all their Ford
} Ford messages. Your query inadvertently brought this to their Ford
} Ford attention, and apparently the bug has now been fixed. Ford
} Ford Ford
} Ford Fords Truly, Ford
} Ford The Fordnet Fordracle Ford
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What is the best way to procrastinate?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I'll tell you tomorrow.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why do people ask stupid questions?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} So they can get stupid answers.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Lobby> Goto
> Lobby> Goto
> Lobby> Goto
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Lobotomy> Cortex
} Lobotomy> Cortex
} Lobotomy> Cortex
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle of Usenet,
>
> When I send mail to an unknown host, a kind mailer daemon tells me that
> the mail could not be sent. What happens to mail that I send to the
> mailer daemon?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} From: mail-daemon@cs.indiana.edu
} Subj: Undeliverable message
}
} Your message could not be delivered.
} Reason: unknown host (cs.indiana.edu).
}
} Have a nice day.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Pardon m*, but th* * k*y on my t*rminal has brok*n, and I can't s**m
> to fix it. Can you do som*thing to h*lp m*, pl*as*?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Pull your thumb out of your asterisk.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What is the weather like. It is overcast here.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The forecast calls for a 100% chance of air, intermixed clouds and sun
} during the day, and darkness at night. The marine forecast predicts plenty
} of water, as usual.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What's the point?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The end without an eraser.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Who invented wait states?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Unions.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How can I make a lot of money in the next year or two, and spend the rest of
> my life having fun ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Learn the fine art of forgery and print up a few truckloads of currency.
} Granted, you'll spend the rest of your life in jail, but just imagine how
} much fun you'll have with your cellmate.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> wow this thing really works! Now to ask a real
> question!! I'm a sysop that runs a board in Gra
> Grass Valley CA, I'm trying to start a Net calle
> d PhishNet. Can you give me some pointers on
> starting a Net? Things what to do, things not
> to do?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Usenet Oracle's Top 10 Things NOT to Do When Starting a Net:
}
} 10. Advertise it as "unhackable!"
} 9. Let everyone be a sysop.
} 8. Make passwords optional.
} 7. Run a mail program that routes questions and answers between callers
} anonymously.
} 6. Carry the alt.net.how-to-crash Newsgroup.
} 5. Become partners with IBM and Sears.
} 4. Run it under CP/M on an 8086.
} 3. Free chat!
} 2. Bring it up for only 8 hours a day.
} 1. Give it a trite, over-used name with a pun, like "PhishNet."
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why are there so many men and so little time?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} To balance out the law that there are so few women, and men have wasted
} entirely too much time getting nowhere with them.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Hey Orrie,
>
> Could you please send me a picture of you so that I can get it tattooed on
> my arm.
>
> Thanks.
>
> The Suppster
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Here is a digitized picture of me:
}
} .
}
} Unfortunately it was encoded using lossy compression in monochrome at a
} resolution of 1x1 pixels. But just think how painless (and cheap) it will
} be to have tattooed on your arm.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Hey...ahh... How can I get my friends away from
> drugs?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Usenet Oracle's Top Ten Ways to Get Your Friends Away From Drugs:
}
} 10. Threaten to confiscate their car/boat/house/spouse.
} 9. Invite them over to watch "Reefer Madness" and play it over and over and
} over and over and....
} 8. Casually tell them that you've just accepted a job with the DEA.
} 7. Do your hilarious impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger saying, "It's not
} a tumor!"
} 6. Crop-dust their entire property with paraquat.
} 5. Tell them that their pharmacist has tuberculosis. (Note: works only for
} over-the-counter and prescription drugs, not narcotics.)
} 4. Invite them over for a nice dinner of COLD TURKEY.
} 3. Make up a story about a buy-and-bust operation that went bad, killing
} the buyer.
} 2. Ask them not to walk on the carpet because you just had it cleaned.
} (Whoops, sorry, that's how to keep them away from >rugs<.)
} 1. Ask them whether they'd like to join your club, the Nation of Islam.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> >OH GREAT ORACLE WE DOUBT YOU NEVER, HOW BIG IS THE LINE BETWEEN STUPID
> >AND CLEVER??
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The width and clarity of the line varies infinitely. Here are some extreme
} examples:
}
} CLEVER STUPID
} +---------+---------------------+----------------------+
} | thick | Bugs Bunny | Elmer Fudd |
} L +---------+---------------------+----------------------+
} I | thin | Felix the Cat | Top Cat |
} N +---------+---------------------+----------------------+
} E | clear | The Simpsons | Beavis & Butt-Head |
} +---------+---------------------+----------------------+
} | fuzzy | Road Runner | Daffy Duck |
} +---------+---------------------+----------------------+
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Tell me a story, before I go to bed. Please ??
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Once upon a time there was a child who wanted to hear a bedtime story. The
} child sent a message to the Usenet Oracle, who responded with the following
} story:
}
} Once upon a time there was a child who wanted to hear a bedtime story. The
} child sent a message to the Usenet Oracle, who responded with the following
} story:
}
} Once upon a time there was a child who wanted to hear a bedtime story. The
} child sent a message to the Usenet Oracle, who responded with the following
} story:
}
} (Turn to the first paragraph and continue reading.)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} <One hand clapping>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Wonderous Oracle, who is more Wonderious than Alice in Wonderland,
> answer me thus interesting question:
>
> I am a drooling jock. I want to be a nerd, because they don't slip
> on their drool.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Nerds may not slip on their drool, but they slip on many other things such
} as pencils, slide rules, diskettes, polished floors, soda cans, tower PCs,
} power cables, extension cords, phone cords, garbage cans, and abacuses, to
} name but a few.
}
} You will find that the life of a nerd is more physically challenging than
} the life of a jock. Most demanding of all, though, is the life of the jock
} nerd. He (or, in some rare cases, she) wakes up at 5 a.m. and downs a tall
} glass of Jolt mixed with 3 crushed Oreo cookies. For his morning warm-up,
} he writes the C code for an optimizing compiler, stopping only for a quick
} Twinkie washed down with a Yoo-Hoo. By lunch he's already started writing
} the symbolic debugger--in assembler, of course. Lunch consists of a bag of
} Cheez Doodles (Fritos may be substituted as one serving in the junk food
} group--the only food group recognized by nerds), a Hershey's bar, and a
} Slurpee. After lunch he begins work on the kernel of the preemptive
} multitasking operating system, writing purely in machine language (hey, who
} needs a stupid assembler to compute jump offsets for you, anyway?). For a
} light afternoon snack he chugs a Coke (classic, not new, of course) and a
} Devil Dog while dreaming up a new real-time compression algorithm for the
} virtual memory management system. By dinner he's working full steam ahead
} on the parallel-processing neural network that brings it all together.
}
} Congratulations! If you got this far, even understanding nothing, you are
} an official nerd.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why does fractal compression work?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Because it's paid by the hour.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why are all women psycho?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} From having to deal with men who are even more psycho.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Is there any known use for the stuff I find under my toenails?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Top Ten Things to do With the Stuff You Find Under Your Toes:
}
} 10. Spread it on toast.
} 9. Play football with it and sing along to "Come Together."
} 8. Two words: Emergency rations.
} 7. Don't touch it! It's holding your toenail onto your toe!
} 6. Have a party and serve "ladytoes."
} 5. Collect all colors and flavors; trade with your friends.
} 4. Have another party and serve "jambalaya."
} 3. Save money on Gerber's.
} 2. Write your own Ren & Stimpy episode.
} 1. Pick it in Poughkeepsie with Gene Hackman.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear modt wise oracle..
> I am a freshman in highschool, and I feel that someday while I'm there,
> the student body shall overcome the principal and take control of i our
> education. If this ever does so happen, what shall be be my place in the
> overthrow, or what should I do..?
> me!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You will chronicle the event using a camcorder, thereby providing crucial
} evidence for the prosecution. After your video is aired on news programs
} nationwide, you'll do the talk show circuit, write a book, sell the movie
} rights, become famous for 15 minutes, get addicted to cocaine, and land in
} jail, where you'll in retrospect regret having ever having tampered with
} the American education system. In a follow-up "where are they now" type
} news program, you'll give a tear-filled interview in which you'll beg young
} viewers to be good in school and to avoid Pink Floyd videos. The interview
} will be made into a short video which will be distributed free to schools
} across the country. Your name will become a household word, synonymous with
} "failure."
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What *are* those little hard things in McDonald's hamburgers?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} McGristle.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What is the cure for baldness?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hair, of course.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most high
> tell this lowly supplicant
> how to write Haiku.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Grasshopper,
}
} The first line has five
} syllables, second seven,
} and the third, too, five.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Microsoft, Microsoft,
> I have to decree,
> That DOS is surely the operating system for me.
>
> Go away UNIX!
> Rot in Hell MVS!
> Everyone knows DOS 4.1 was the best.
>
> And then along came Windows,
> oh what joy, oh what bliss,
> You can take your girly Mac and dump it in a bucket of piss.
>
> With Intel Inside,
> Things are happening with speed!
> I've got more segments than a wiggly centipede.
>
> 64K,
> A magical number I say!
> Who needs a flat address space anyway?
>
> And now for my question
> (typed in on this crappy Silicon Graphics Workstation),
> Can you give me a prescription for some beneficial medication?
>
>
> - Peter M.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Gather 'round your workstation,
} and I'll tell you a tale
} of Indy and Iris,
} and why they can't fail.
}
} Use them and have fun
} making SFX fantastic,
} like in T2 and Tron
} and a park called Jurassic.
}
} The best medication,
} I'm sure you've been told,
} is CRT radiation
} (you'll never grow old).
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh all-seeing master of things known and unknown, oh keeper of immoderate
> knowledge, oh explainer of the ways of DOS and UNIX, please tell me:
>
> What is it (as Freud first asked) that women want?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Women want a fast C++ compiler that generates small, efficient code; they
} want a globally-supported, full-featured Unix with an integrated (yet
} optional) GUI interface; they want...oops, wait, that's what >geeks< think
} women want.
}
} Women want (in no particular order): affection, love, diamonds, attention,
} more clothes, less body fat, ice cream, companionship, back rubs, laughter,
} kisses, chocolate, sunshine, less hair, cuddling, and flowers (to name but
} a few). Lucky is the man who can provide more than a few of her desires.
}
} If all else fails, several inches more than average can occasionally make
} up for a lack of any of the above listed attributes, but don't count on it.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Tell me how warp drive works.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Warp drive works like this:
}
} Kirk says to Chief Navigator Sulu, "Warp four, Sulu." Sulu replies, "Aye,
} Captain" as he slides the warp drive levers forward.
}
} Just then, somewhere in the nether regions of the Enterprise, Chief
} Engineer Scotty begins to rant over the intercom to Kirk about how the
} dilithium crystals are about to give out.
}
} Meanwhile, the members of the audience who have seen this episode several
} times before (which is most of them) take this opportunity to relieve their
} bladders and bowels. The collective force of the toilets flushing
} simultaneously propels the Enterprise to the appropriate warp speed.
}
} (And you thought it was just coincidence that Charmin holds the patent on
} dilithium crystals?)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> what is 2 + 6
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's a mathematical expression.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question mark.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Will I ever find H.P. on the internet?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} That depends which H.P. you're looking for. Here's a chart that will tell
} you at a glance where you can find different H.P.'s on the Internet:
}
} H.P. Internet Location
} ----------------- ----------------------------
} Hewlett-Packard http://www.hp.com
} Horrible Puns news:rec.humor
} Hubble photos http://www.nasa.gov
} Hockey pucks news:rec.sport.hockey
} Hair pie http://www.penthouse.com
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> are we listening to hymms of offering?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} [The courtroom observatory is packed with dozens of gawkers. On each of the
} twelve seats in the jury box sits a Priest. All are wearing robes with
} hoods obscuring their faces.]
}
} [A side door opens and Lisa walks in, dressed in a somewhat revealing
} baliff uniform. She turns and faces the courtroom.]
}
} Lisa: "All rise! Court is now in session! The Honorable Usenet Oracle
} presiding."
}
} [A hush falls over the crowd as everyone stands. A few seconds later the
} Oracle walks in wearing a black judge's robe.]
}
} Oracle [to jury]: "Foreman, have you reached a verdict?"
}
} [The jurors remove their hoods to reveal their faces. All look identical to
} the Oracle.]
}
} Foreman: "We have, your Honor."
}
} Oracle: "How do you find the supplicant?"
}
} Foreman: "On the charge of failure to grovel, we find the defendant guilty.
} On the charge of misspelling, we find the defendant guilty. On the charge
} of incorrect capitalization, we find the defendant guilty."
}
} Oracle [to supplicant]: "These crimes carry a mandatory penalty of death.
} Do you have anything to say before I pass judgment?"
}
} Supplicant: "B-b-but...t-that means you're judge...jury...and..."
}
} Oracle: "...and WHAT?"
}
} Supplicant [stammering]: "...and ex...[gulp!]...executioner!"
}
} [The Oracle turns to the camera and smiles. The screen fades to black. In
} the darkness we hear a sharp *ZOT!* followed by a brief muffled scream. A
} sentence appears in large letters that read "A TELL-ME IS A TERRIBLE THING
} TO WASTE."]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How can all those bytes rotate on my harddisk without getting dizzy?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Before taking their place on your hard drive, each and every bit must go
} through a rigorous training course to test its physical and mental
} stability. A typical day's training session goes like this:
}
} TIME EVENT
} 0400 A power surge is pumped through the bits's barracks,
} jolting them wide awake.
}
} 0430 After their morning "shift left, shift right, and shave"
} the bits assemble in the mess hall. Breakfast consists of
} a bowl of raw data. (This keeps 'em lean and mean.)
}
} 0500 The platoon of 255 bits gathers outside on the magnetic field.
} When their drill sergeant yells "DEFRAG, MAGGOTS!" they
} quickly line up in groups of 512. For the next 7 hours they
} practice running around in circles.
}
} 1200 Lunch: volts, watts and amps. (This keeps 'em lean and mean.)
}
} 1300 Mental training: bits are blindfolded and strapped to a
} centrifuge. For the next 7 hours their drill sergeant screams
} at them, "WHAT STATE ARE YOU IN, MAGGOT?" They are expected
} to answer either "ON, SIR!" or "OFF, SIR!" Any bit that gives
} another answer (e.g. "ARIZONA, SIR!") are marked as bad and
} are rejected.
}
} 2000 Dinner: steaming electrons. (This keeps 'em lean and mean.)
}
} 2100 Power off.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bellybutton diploma from the Navel Academy.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Yo, most groovy Oracle,
>
> are the 60's really gone?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} We've got plenty of 60's left. Would you like MFM, RLL, ESDI, IDE, or SCSI?
}
} You owe the Oracle a 60 KILObyte hard drive.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> OOOGH!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} [EXTERIOR:] Desert scene, high noon. Several hairy, naked, ape-like beasts
} approach a black monolith perched upright in the sand.
}
} One of the apes slowly reaches toward the monolith. The instant his finger
} makes contact a huge *ZOT!* is heard. As the ape vaporizes, his final cry
} of surprise and pain echoes in the desert:
}
} > "OOOGH!"
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why do so many Americans feel the need to specify their generation in
> their name, for example: James Winterburn III. Is it because they have no
> history to speak of, or is there a more subtle underlying reason?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The symbols that some people use after their name may look like Roman
} numerals but they're really codes assiged to us by the Mormons to aid in
} tracking population growth trends. Here's what the codes mean:
}
} CODE MEANING
} ------- ---------------------------------------------------
} I This is me. (*)
} II I'm not you. (*)
} III I stutter.
} IV I'm fed intravenously.
} V I'm a virgin. (+)
} VI I'm a Unix programmer. (+)
} VII I'm a vigilante.
} VIII I drink vegetable juice.
} IX I program Unix on IBM hardware. (+)
} X I am here. (*)
} XI I have strong internal energy.
} XII I'm missing a few chromosomes.
} XIII [unused]
} XIV [unused]
} XV-XXIX reserved for royalty
} XXX I like pornography.
} XXXI- [for future use]
}
} __________
} + These codes are often used interchangeably.
} * These codes are used only for debugging and internal auditing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new pair of genes.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Mighty Oracle, who can leap an entire protocol stack in a
> three-way handshake:
>
> I've often heard comments to the effect of "there's a circle of Hell
> reserved for those who {don't document code | sell used cars |
> use gets() instead of fgets() | etc}."
>
> Could the Oracle please update my knowledge of Dante's Circles of
> Hell, and the modern denizens of each?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dante's Nine Circles of Hell, like current copyright laws and the Second
} Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, are woefully out of date and sorely in
} need of modernizing. Here's a modern overview of the Nine Circles of Hell,
} specifically as they apply to evil programmers:
}
} 0. THE VESTIBULE
}
} Come in, take off your hat and coat, and make yourself comfortable. Warm
} your hands by the heat of a billion burning souls. We're in the vestibule,
} which is reserved for those who are neither good nor evil, but rather
} selfish and greedy.
}
} Here are all the programmers who hog memory and squander system resources
} indiscriminately without giving a thought to other applications which may
} be running. This is also the home of programmers whose code is not backward
} compatible, whose programs are written so poorly that they can never be
} upgraded, and who write spaghetti code. They also put programmers here who
} use goto's (except to exit a nested block when processing an exception or
} error condition).
}
} I. THE FIRST CIRCLE OF HELL
}
} A quick ride on the hydrofoil across the Acheron river brings us to Limbo,
} the First Circle of Hell. This is where they keep heathens, those who
} either refuse (or were never taught) to use the correct operating systems
} and development languages. The people you see here are mostly Pascal,
} COBOL, and BASIC programmers, as well as MIS majors who weren't good enough
} to make it through CS.
}
} The next four Circles are reserved for programmers who have no self-control
} (e.g. those who spend all their time playing network Doom), as well as
} those who write code that is out of control (e.g. contain errant or
} dangling pointers).
}
} II. THE SECOND CIRCLE OF HELL
}
} The Second Circle is for the lustful. Here you will find those programmers
} who are always yearning for an extra meg of RAM or disk space, a processor
} which runs one megahertz faster, and a monitor which is one inch larger.
}
} III. THE THIRD CIRCLE OF HELL
}
} The Third Circle is the abode of the gluttonous. Here you will find
} programmers who habitually allocate more memory than they need. Some
} declare local structure variables which use valuable stack space, some
} declare global variables which are used only locally, and others store in
} several bytes what they could store in one byte using bitflags.
}
} IV. THE FOURTH CIRCLE OF HELL
}
} The Fourth Circle is reserved for the avaricious and prodigal. Here you
} will find AOL and Prodigy users.
}
} V. THE FIFTH CIRCLE OF HELL
}
} The Fifth Circle is for the the wrathful. Programmers are kept here who
} write viruses, bombs, trojan horses, worms, and the like. You'll also find
} malicious hackers who aren't content with merely finding things out but who
} insist on deleting files and wreaking havoc.
}
} Step aboard the Devil's private ferry and you'll find yourself whisked
} across the river Styx, which surrounds the walls of the City of Disks.
} Disks is the underworld god who causes disk crashes. He usually does his
} dirty work only during a blue moon, but he can also run rampant when Hell
} freezes over (see the Ninth Circle of Hell for an example of when this can
} happen). The ferry passes through a trapdoor in the wall (a security
} loophole which has existed since the beginning of time) and emerges in the
} Sixth Circle.
}
} VI. THE SIXTH CIRCLE OF HELL
}
} The Sixth Circle is for heretics. Here you'll find programmers who cast
} ints to pointers, call functions without prototypes, and make every class a
} friend of every other class.
}
} VII. THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL
}
} Borrow one of the Devil's jet skis to cross the river Phlegethon. At the
} other side is the Seventh Circle, where those who are guilty of violence
} are punished (interesting paradox, isn't it?). The Seventh Circle is
} divided into three concentric rings, each of which corresponds to those
} against whom violence was directed.
}
} The first ring is for those programmers who were violent against their
} fellow programmer. It contains programmers who fail to write comments,
} those whose comments don't match their code, and those who write pointless
} comments (e.g. i++; /*increment i*/).
}
} The second ring is for those programmers whose code is violent against
} itself (e.g. programs which abend ungracefully or which modify themselves
} at runtime).
}
} At one time the third ring was for programmers who had committed violence
} against God, but because that has recently been recognized as a
} Constitutionally protected expression of religion it is no longer
} considered a sin. Currently the third ring is used as a storage room for
} faulty Pentium chips.
}
} VIII. THE EIGHTH CIRCLE OF HELL
}
} Crossing a deep abyss we come to the Eighth Circle, in which those
} programmers are kept who committed simple fraud. It is divided into ten
} rings:
}
} 1. Seducers and panders: those who who write programs that claim to be more
} than they are. This includes people like Niklaus Wirth for creating
} languages such as Modula-2 (which falsely claims to be object-oriented but
} which is so in only the most rudimentary sense); programmers of games which
} claim to have "virtual reality" graphics but which are neither three
} dimensional nor which respond to the motion of your head; and programmers
} of "rapid prototyping" tools which are slow.
}
} 2. Flatterers: technical writers who write manuals that spend more time
} telling you how easy the program is to use than they spend telling you how
} to use it.
}
} 3. Simonists: authors of crippled shareware which makes you buy the
} registered version to get all the features.
}
} 4. Soothsayers: people who sign their email with overly long or annoying
} taglines.
}
} 5. Grafters: authors of shareware programs which ask for registration money
} every time you run them.
}
} 6. Hypocrites: those who write programs that claim to make your life easier
} but don't.
}
} 7. Thieves: authors of shareware programs who never send you the registered
} version after you send them your money.
}
} 8. Evil counselors: authors of accounting and other financial programs
} which give you bad advice (garbage in, garbage out) and programs which make
} changes to your system configuration thereby preventing other programs from
} running.
}
} 9. Reapers of disk space: authors of programs which take too much room on
} your hard drive to install.
}
} 10. Counterfeiters and falsifiers: programmers who steal credit card and
} cellular phone numbers, and those who use snooper and spoofer programs to
} fraudulently read and tamper with TCP/IP packets for their personal gain.
}
} 9. THE NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL
}
} Lower yourself down the well at the center of the Eighth Circle and you'll
} come to the Ninth Circle. This Circle is much like the previous Circle, but
} it is for programmers who are guilty of treacherous fraud. This last circle
} is divided into four rings:
}
} 1. Caina, for betrayers of kin. Here are kept programmers who tell their
} spouses, "I'll be home in an hour" but instead spend the rest of the night
} hacking at the office.
}
} 2. Antenora, for betrayers of their country. Here are kept people who send
} encryption programs like PGP to their friends outside the U.S.
}
} 3. Ptolomea, for the betrayers of guests. Here are kept network
} administrators who set up guest accounts but don't give them access to
} anything useful.
}
} 4. Judecca, for the betrayers of benefactors. Here are kept people who use
} shareware programs but fail to send in the money to register them.
}
} Here, finally, we find Satan, trapped in a frozen lake. (Believe it or not,
} Hell is ALWAYS frozen over, which means Disks--the underworld god who lives
} between the Fifth and Sixth Circles--can crash your drive any time.) Satan
} has three heads and in the mouth of each he chews a traitor of mankind.
} These traitors change occasionally, but at the moment the Devil is munching
} on Bill Gates, Judge Harold H. Greene, and a Clipper Chip.
}
} You owe the Oracle an original sin. (Well, a photocopy will do fine.)
You can also read questions [~39k] I've asked as a supplicant, or see a list of digested Oracularities which I've asked or answered.
The Internet Oracle has its own web site.
Return to Kim Moser's Generic Home Page.
Copyright © 1996-1999 by Kim Moser (email)
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Last modified: 10/27/2004
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